And here’s what I wrote:
Dearest LMi friends,
I write to you today with sorrowful news. My intention was to let you down slowly, to soften the blow, as your faithful years of service do not deserve such abrupt rudeness. Alas, my anxiety upon preparing to compose this note was compounded when I learned that you have an inbox dedicated to this exact cruel purpose. So simply by receiving my message, you must already know of my betrayal.
It is true: I am being provided service from another carrier. With the greatest remorse, I—Samuel Pierce of Addison Street in Berkeley, account numbered [redacted]—must request cancellation of my current residential DSL service. I do so in full sensitivity of your efforts, as detailed in your recent missive, to take our relationship to the “next level,” as it were; I am but a weak-willed gadabout who has not the discipline to abstain from the immediate temptations of more sumptuous bandwidth. It’s not you, it’s me.
The shame in my heart is tempered only by the thought that we one day may meet again. Indeed, should the promise of your fiber-optic fidelity come to pass, I swear that I will return the very moment the restrictive terms of my current treachery conclude. Though my passion for locally-owned and operated telecommunications infrastructure shall be kept apart from your caring bosom, it is a flame that I will fiercely keep alive until the happy day we are reunited.
If, in response to my treason, you require any business to be settled, name it and I will do my best. A prompt and obedient reply is the least I can offer before my sinful disloyalty rends you away.
Devotedly yours, always (except for the next 11.9 months),
Sam